Czille

This weekend has been a great high!

It’s like I haven’t expected much to come out of my sudden trip to the hills of Bukidnon and then meandered to the river and hills of Cagayan de Oro, went back to Davao City and dived into the Coral Garden of Samal. Do that sound heavenly to you? hmmm…. indeed…

And mind you, all the food that abound were all yummy!!!

ITINERARY:

April 3, 2008; Thursday
6 a.m. - rode bus from Kidapawan City Terminal

around 9 a.m. - rode another non-aircon bus for Manolo Fortich, Bukidnon

1:15 pm - arrived at Manolo Fortich; rode "habal-habal" single motorcycle towards Mangima Spring Resort

1:30 pm - arrived at Mangima Spring Resort; met with DENR, DOT and LGU people, Caving Congress organizers and others

2:00 - 4:30 pm - wandered around the resort, ate lunch/snacks (chippy, magic flakes and royal), read pocketbook

4:45 pm - jump-off for the Caving Congress site in Palaopao, near Sumilao, Bukidnon

5:30 pm. - at the congress site… found old and new friends..waited for the socials which never came… but I still stayed for the night for the promise of a white water rafting adventure on the next day…

…. slept at 2:a.m. after a raucous laugh with the hilarious jokes and performances of talented friends.

April 4, 2008; Friday
5:00 am - my phone alarm went off but realized it was still too early for the 1pm scheduled rafting trip… went back to sleep..

6:10 am - lazily woke up to the sounds of cooking and voices and everything else… someone easily gave the first fart of the morning. eeewww!!!! so loud and proud!!!

7:am - assorted breakfast from last night’s left-overs and whatever we can get our hands on.

around 10 am. - rode dump truck towards Cagayan de Oro City

around 11:10 am - reached Viajero Outdoor Shop in downtown CDO, dropped out heavy bags of all colors, shapes and weights

11:25 pm - looked around for lunch

12:00 - scheduled meet of the group for the White Water River Rafting infront of CDO’s Tourism Office, near Jollibee

1:00 pm - depart for the site of the river adventure… drop by first at Macahambus Adventure Park along the way… marvel at their enormous sinkhole, hanging bridge, zipline, and souvenir trinkets

around 1:20 pm - drop by the restaurant/end point of the rafting adventure to get some added rubber rafts; changed attire from jeans to shorts.

around 1:40 pm  - arrived at the starting point of the famous white water rafting adventure

around 2:00 - 4:30 pm - my concept of time swiftly went into a haze as the rapids pulled my attention and the "wheeees!!!" and "Aahhooos!!!" of the group dominated the scene.

{…. sigh… next time na ang karugtong… hehehehe
ini-enjoy ko muna remembering the event from start to finish… =) }

April 5, 2008; Saturday
1:00 pm - jump-off  for the hang gliding experience… was just curious how they do it… the jeep climbed more dusty roads and hills until we reached our point of satisfaction. a place of nowhere between the earth and sky, linked by the wind and the golden afternoon sun.

April 6, 2008; Sunday
7:00 am - arrived at Davao Ecoland terminal

laundry… etc…. went to church… etc…

April 7, 2008; Monday
7:00 am - scheduled assembly time of the group for the Scuba Diving intro. Colyn and I were "outsiders" to the sponsor group, thus I would be more than willing to carry bags, bottles, grill the meat, etc.. and wait for my turn to be told, "you wanna dive too?"

and when the magic words were finally spoken, no minutes were lost before I put on the wet suit, mask, etc. etc… pose for the camera, etc. etc…. so it goes….

and I emerged as the last and final diver to go on board, back to the boat and to the mainland….

haaayyyy…. shortcut na lang muna…. im happily tired pa pala… =)

What’s left of me…

Have you heard of these lyrics before?
"Saying goodbye is never an easy thing. But you never said that you’d stay forever…"

This season is so full of goodbyes for me.
There were officemates who have to part ways from the organization because they were already accepted in another job somewhere or will go overseas for a better life. My sister has to say goodbye to sophomore life as a university student and proceed to third year.
My housemates and I in the rented house in Davao City have to evict ourselves from the place because the original owner will be reclaiming their home this 2nd week of April.
My virtual significant other let go of me because I sent him a loaded letter…although I said I’m not closing my doors on him…
My thoughts of ever getting married is growing dimmer, so to give myself some peace of mind and lifting the pressure from this burden, I said to myself I’m letting go of this society’s expectation from a single woman like me.

SO, what’s left of me?
Basically, pretty much the same.
Outside appearances may indicate that everything seem so rosy and bubbly. Daytime demeanor show energy, wit and charm, save for some very sleepy moments in the afternoon after a heavy lunch. At night, the situation varies. Either I’m too tired to mind my thoughts when I’m all alone in my room, or still busy doing whatsoever to fill up my time ’til I’m tired, or having to succumb to a lonely, cold bed in the middle of the four cold cement walls, sobbing like a three year old kid forced to go to sleep.

No offense to sleeping though. I love sleeping a lot. I least I should get six or seven hours of rest or else I’ll be like a zombie the day after. Now, I remember another song…
"Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here, you’re mine, and all my fears are left behind…" That’s "Dream of Me" by Kirsten Dunst. Last night, I stuck to my walls some glow-in-the-dark moons and stars. They look pretty when the lights go out.

Sigh… Time is very valuable. Now, I should be able to concentrate more on thinking about things and writing and hopefully go back to painting which I used to do in highschool. I know I can still do it. It’s only my time and motivation that are holding me back. Most often, there are a million other distractions such as gimmicks, boy watching, malling, out-of-town trips, internet surfing, etc…

There are so many things to do. It’s easy to go back where I’ve been If I just put my heart into doing it. Things I’ve done before, before I was lured into seemingly useless preoccupations like boyfriends, lovelife, attractions, romance, relationships, and the like. Tsk! These things are still undeniably very compelling, but it seems I can’t do anything about these. Sigh… maybe I’ll just let these take care of themselves.

I’ll live…I’ll breath… I’ll take photographs… I’ll write… I’ll read, a lot… I’ll pray… I’ll meditate.. I’ll look inside myself and ponder on what more I could give out of my battered self… I can humor myself as well as I can make others laugh at my antics… I can throw some of my wit and wow them with my flair of whatever… Others may not be able to see my value, or maybe not even see me as a person worth spending their time and attention with, I can live with that. There is still the rest of the world to pay attention to, and the rest of my life to live.

Once more, I say this: "My life isn’t perfect, but it’s mine…"

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS
Song by: Tina Arena

Gotta take a little time
   A little time to think things over
   Better read between the lines
   In case I need it when I’m older
   Ooh yeah
   This mountain I must climb
   Is like the world upon my shoulders
   Through the clouds I see love shine
   It keeps me warm as life grows colder
   In my life
   There’s been HEARTACHE and pain
   I don’t know if I can face it again
   Can’t stop now
   I’ve traveled so far
   To change this lonely life
   I wanna know what love is
   I want you to show me
   I wanna feel what love is
   I know you can show me
   Yeah
   Gonna take a little time
   A little time to look around me
   Got nowhere left to hide
   Looks like love has finally found me
   In my life
   There’s been heartache and pain
   I don’t know if I can face it again
   Can’t stop now
   I’ve travelled so far
   To change this lonely life
   I wanna know what love is
   I want you to show me
   I feel what love is
   I know you can show me
   Yeah
   Lord help me to be strong
   On this road I travel on
   When I’m lost and lonely
   Find me
   My journey’s just begun
   And I’m not the only one
   Cause I wanna know
   I wanna know
   Yes I’ve found out
   I want you to show me
   I wanna feel what love is
   Oh yeah
   I know you can show me
   I wanna know what love is
   Yes I’ve found out
   I want you to show me
   I wanna feel what love is
   You can’t hide
   I know you can show me
   Yeah, Nah yeah
   Cause I wanna know
   Wanna know
   Tell me what love is
   Do you know what it is
   Tell me what love is
   Show me what love is
   Show me what love is

Something Lost

Say, I was also in this time of life when I was supposedly engaged for the wrong reasons and then it crumbled. I decided then that I don’t want to become part of the problem of the one who got himself confused and told him that I just want to be one of the greatest memories of his life. It was when I decided to face whatever possibilities that may come my way thereafter. I prayed, yes I did. I tried to look again in the eyes of the Lord like I did when I was a little child and wondered how has it been through the years (those long years haven’t been so bright all throughout but they have been colorful indeed). I didn’t pray what I want to happen. I just uttered that whatever God decides what is best for me, and everything became so much lighter and easy. I know I wasn’t the greatest faithful servant, but I still know I still am greatly favored by Him.

And then, I did consciously made an effort to spend some considerable time online. But I was careful and still wary of the many lures of the undesirable kind. I also came into contact with long lost friends and created new ones. Heartbreak wasn’t so bad at all.

Same Boat

Incidentally, this former classmate was also doing the same effort while undergoing similar tribulation and invited me in her friendster life. Angie was just simply happy to see me and my "transformation" from an ugly duckling into…well look at her testimonial for me.

The Tides Began to Turn

Then the unexpected began to unfold… It wasn’t very dramatic in the beginning, yet it also didn’t took so long before Angie suddenly turned from a long lost classmate into the most avid matchmaker of all time in my life. Wait a minute, I felt the urge to hold the reins on her for she was almost hysterical when she expressed how her bestfriend Stan came to notice my profile. (Is this right? Do I really deserve that kind of attention? And so I was skeptical at first)

Winds of Change

Gradually, I came to know Angie once more as a totally different person — more experienced, tougher, with more substance, with more courage to take risks and discover more of herself. Like I told her that I can only remember her as that high school girl who powders her nose and brushes her hair as often as she talks with her cliques. Time indeed has its magical ways of sculpting the lives of people.

And then I found myself taking her calls and texting her much more often than I texted or called my ex. She opened herself to me just like an old friend, and I also warmed up to her. She showed me how a superwoman operates these days. Yet the most amazing thing was when she became the very eager bridge to connect my life to that of her dearest best friend Stan. (Is this correct? I did felt the pressure and I thought I need to breath enough air. =))

Serendipity

If this is by grace that these things happened, then what else can we call it? Coincidence? Out of the chaos, rubbles, and heartbreak, a new form of hope emerged, like a raging phoenix — fiery, promising, wanting to break free.

Angie found a new strength in herself, another accidental confidant in me, and an unexpected talent in matchmaking.

I also found unwittingly a pseudo soulmate for her personal events seem to mirror mine, a rabid textmate, an enthusiastic phone pal, and an unnerving matchmaker. Before I acknowledged to myself that I was giddy and outrageously happy, Angie was already on her way to the skies to fetch the moon and stars for us.

Finders Keepers

Ahh well, what now? Something lost, something found. We three found in each other in this most unexpected time when things haven’t been so rosy and bright. And it appears that Stan now served as the anchor for two women when our lives seem to spin in the same dizzying wobbly fashion. Angie too is also the vital link that feeds my connection with Stan. And I, what have I done? I guess I just did what I think and feel what is best, to justify my worth to deserve the blessings bestowed.

The future is yet to come. There are still a lot of uncertainties along the way. Only by faith that we can get through it all. And I believe we started just right, and I intend to keep the newly found connection smooth, beautiful and interesting. There is a lifetime to behold, for better or for worse.

Why was the day toxic yesterday? I don’t know. I don’t have the slightest control or premonition of how things would have happened. Nevertheless, everything settled down at the end of the day and somehow, I was able to accomplish what I was set out to do, albeit the obstacles.

I was praying… I hope my prayers are still effective. I used to pour so much energy into trying to control on how the events in my life should flow. But then my efforts would just flop, leaving me devastated, disappointed. It was only when I ceased to "expect so much and trying to control the outcome", and leave all the big decisions to God that things became a lot easier.

I’ve had my share of sins and shortcomings, I know that. We are all capable of anything, even of things we didn’t know before we can possibly do — good or bad. I am not yet totally reformed and I still have so much intense emotions inside. But at least I am aware when "too much" should already be toned down; when going to extremes doesn’t really become who I am; that letting go of oneself doesn’t mean the same about letting go of others.

I want to be guided on how to live my life on my own terms (is this ironic?). Yes, life is a cornucopia of ironies… Forrest Gump used to say that "life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get." I like that guy. His simple-mindedness exudes a deep wisdom that sometimes needed a wider understanding.

I don’t know a lot of things. Sometimes I’m happy that I don’t. It frees me from the unnecessary burden of knowing something, of many things.

There are so many views on how one should live one’s life. I guess each one should already decide for him/herself. About mine, I want it to be happy, yet a few struggles here are there would be just fine to keep me fit and sane. This is not utopia. This is real.

once more, i am in one of my life’s crossroads. it is when i fell that i flew; when i laughed, that i choked; when i cried, that i felt released… how does one keep holding on when the other is letting go? how does one feel secure in her position when she is just among several options? how does one say he loves you and happy being with you and at the same time, doesn’t consider a future together? well… many of these are cliches, jagged, over-used, lame… but all the same, these experiences seem like new everytime it hits someone.

why do these situations seem like recycled melodramas? it already appears to me like scripted telenovelas which the writer/directors ran out of more original plots.

i should say i’ve been there, done that… I’m a veteran in the rejection circus and the rollercoaster ride of heartbreaks, deceptions, lies, that i should already know what happens next…

but i guess i do… sometimes, there is still that unavoidable portion called "denial stage". Couldn’t help it when you didn’t see it coming… when you thought you are dancing in the colorful flowery meadow, basking in the bright summer sun without getting a sunburn, when all of a sudden, everything goes blank… then you realized it was just a screen saver in my computer… (remember that joke played on the poor soul who chose a beautiful screensaver and unwittingly chose hell?) 

well… the judgment day isn’t here yet. I’m waiting for it… I’m a survivor and i will survive some more… Bring it on! 

The irony of this is I don’t like to talk about this… Do you understand? If you are a psychic, maybe you can… But most likely you aren’t one… therefore, better be content with this cryptic message that doesn’t reveal anything… If this is crap to you, let it be that way… this is just a form of releasing some steam, but not revealing anything… okay? fine… get back to work now.

Binisayang badminton. Ngano? kinahanglan jud diay mag-relate? Pwede man nuon pero di lang gud nako pugson… ang ako lang, pamati lang nako magbinisaya. Sa samang higayon, naghuna-huna pud ko bahin sa badminton nga dula namo unya. Meeemm! next level na kaayo meh! lingaw pud. Maayo kay naay progress. Amo tingaling i-apply unya ang amo natan-awan sa VCD about sa mga nag-unang mga porma ug lihok sa pagdulag badminton, sama sa netting, smash, lob, etc. kadto lang. Ambot ngano tugnaw karong mga panahona. maayo ni kay pampasingot. apil ka?

i think i like pink today… i liked it on some other days too… there are a number of times when i feel very "kikay" and gay… thus pink, being a stereotype of girlish whims, can illuminate my general disposition… but not always.

i also like to put three dots after saying a few things… like this… it means there’s so much i have to say but i must choose only a few words or letters to surface…sometimes i felt i have nothing to say but when i start weaving letters into words then into sentences, i can fill up space. yeah… of course, but the content would be dubious…

Maybe, there’s so much I have to say but locked deep in my innermost being. they say that out of the fullness of one’s heart, the mouth speaks… thus i want to be careful… although sometimes i don’t care, or even unaware…

today, i want to shout "I LOVE YOU!" to some people and someone in particular… but i’d rather not. I can vividly imagine though how I’m going to do it but i’d rather not. i can do other things that will take up my time. anyway, time flies so fast when i am preoccupied with many tasks that soon the 24 hours is finally over. then another day begins…

like blogging about this… minutes have been spent already… i have even typed those 3 words… i guess that will be enough for now.

got to go! there’s work to be done. have a great day!

Super! Erwin "Pastour" Emata came home to Davao last Thursday, June 8, and Oh my! I did have a difficult time chasing him to have a picture taken with him. Sobra dami tao crowding and demanding his attention. Earlier, he texted me that they were at Matina Town Square, Davao City. They had a late night press conference with the local media. Geezzz… sikat na kaayo akong kumpare. And I’m so proud of him.

Kumpare? yes, why not? I’m the ninang of his youngest son. The least I have done was give a Christmas gift to the tiny tot — a walking battery-operated lion (hehehe) and the most I did were offer prayers and high hopes for the Philippine Team to succeed. On the side, I took the liberty of proclaiming my "bragging rights" that he is my friend and he was with me when I broke my shoulder bone on a mountain biking accident. That was in 2003 (I guess) and because of his friendly nature, my X-ray expenses were free, courtesy of his newfound friends and fans at the hospital. My operation ordeal was a breeze since they called me up while I’m in the hospital bed and they were at Siargao participating in an adventure contest. He then gave his winning red jersey to me (of course after washing it).

Pastour and I, along with several of our outdoor fanatic friends, have been together for quite a time inside caves, over mountains and hills, under tents and dilapidated barangay halls. He is indeed a great person. When everybody is already so tired after scaling all the wonders of the mountain inside and out, he still has enough energy to cook dinner for us and wholesome stories to boot. He even clears up the mess afterwards when other guys were already snoring. The morning after, he wakes us up in his sweatpants after his early jog and most likely, he has prepared coffee for everybody. I could not say anything more — such a kindred spirit, a wonderful soul. The more I am proud to have known a person like him.

I am also proud to say that Pastour is a humble person. A year before this historical feat, he tells us that the best way to let his children appreciate what he will be doing is to have his name included in the "Araling Panlipunan" textbooks someday.

Today, the magnitude of his achievement being the 2nd Filipino (after Leo Oracion) to reach Mt. Everest peak hasn’t fully dawned on us yet. It’s so overwhelming, to say the least. A small street named after him is just one small gesture. But him, being my friend, a very good friend; my kumpare; comrade; what else? His name and our memories together before he became this famous is already seared in my heart. And I will not tire of proclaiming my bragging rights once more.

Indeed, the best way for people to remember us is for our good deeds and for who we really are before the limelights and media frenzy takes over. Long live my friend!

photo: Pastour (center) and Apollo of Sports TV at MTS, Davao City last June 10, 2006