Czille

Why was the day toxic yesterday? I don’t know. I don’t have the slightest control or premonition of how things would have happened. Nevertheless, everything settled down at the end of the day and somehow, I was able to accomplish what I was set out to do, albeit the obstacles.

I was praying… I hope my prayers are still effective. I used to pour so much energy into trying to control on how the events in my life should flow. But then my efforts would just flop, leaving me devastated, disappointed. It was only when I ceased to "expect so much and trying to control the outcome", and leave all the big decisions to God that things became a lot easier.

I’ve had my share of sins and shortcomings, I know that. We are all capable of anything, even of things we didn’t know before we can possibly do — good or bad. I am not yet totally reformed and I still have so much intense emotions inside. But at least I am aware when "too much" should already be toned down; when going to extremes doesn’t really become who I am; that letting go of oneself doesn’t mean the same about letting go of others.

I want to be guided on how to live my life on my own terms (is this ironic?). Yes, life is a cornucopia of ironies… Forrest Gump used to say that "life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you’re gonna get." I like that guy. His simple-mindedness exudes a deep wisdom that sometimes needed a wider understanding.

I don’t know a lot of things. Sometimes I’m happy that I don’t. It frees me from the unnecessary burden of knowing something, of many things.

There are so many views on how one should live one’s life. I guess each one should already decide for him/herself. About mine, I want it to be happy, yet a few struggles here are there would be just fine to keep me fit and sane. This is not utopia. This is real.