Czille

What’s left of me…

Have you heard of these lyrics before?
"Saying goodbye is never an easy thing. But you never said that you’d stay forever…"

This season is so full of goodbyes for me.
There were officemates who have to part ways from the organization because they were already accepted in another job somewhere or will go overseas for a better life. My sister has to say goodbye to sophomore life as a university student and proceed to third year.
My housemates and I in the rented house in Davao City have to evict ourselves from the place because the original owner will be reclaiming their home this 2nd week of April.
My virtual significant other let go of me because I sent him a loaded letter…although I said I’m not closing my doors on him…
My thoughts of ever getting married is growing dimmer, so to give myself some peace of mind and lifting the pressure from this burden, I said to myself I’m letting go of this society’s expectation from a single woman like me.

SO, what’s left of me?
Basically, pretty much the same.
Outside appearances may indicate that everything seem so rosy and bubbly. Daytime demeanor show energy, wit and charm, save for some very sleepy moments in the afternoon after a heavy lunch. At night, the situation varies. Either I’m too tired to mind my thoughts when I’m all alone in my room, or still busy doing whatsoever to fill up my time ’til I’m tired, or having to succumb to a lonely, cold bed in the middle of the four cold cement walls, sobbing like a three year old kid forced to go to sleep.

No offense to sleeping though. I love sleeping a lot. I least I should get six or seven hours of rest or else I’ll be like a zombie the day after. Now, I remember another song…
"Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here, you’re mine, and all my fears are left behind…" That’s "Dream of Me" by Kirsten Dunst. Last night, I stuck to my walls some glow-in-the-dark moons and stars. They look pretty when the lights go out.

Sigh… Time is very valuable. Now, I should be able to concentrate more on thinking about things and writing and hopefully go back to painting which I used to do in highschool. I know I can still do it. It’s only my time and motivation that are holding me back. Most often, there are a million other distractions such as gimmicks, boy watching, malling, out-of-town trips, internet surfing, etc…

There are so many things to do. It’s easy to go back where I’ve been If I just put my heart into doing it. Things I’ve done before, before I was lured into seemingly useless preoccupations like boyfriends, lovelife, attractions, romance, relationships, and the like. Tsk! These things are still undeniably very compelling, but it seems I can’t do anything about these. Sigh… maybe I’ll just let these take care of themselves.

I’ll live…I’ll breath… I’ll take photographs… I’ll write… I’ll read, a lot… I’ll pray… I’ll meditate.. I’ll look inside myself and ponder on what more I could give out of my battered self… I can humor myself as well as I can make others laugh at my antics… I can throw some of my wit and wow them with my flair of whatever… Others may not be able to see my value, or maybe not even see me as a person worth spending their time and attention with, I can live with that. There is still the rest of the world to pay attention to, and the rest of my life to live.

Once more, I say this: "My life isn’t perfect, but it’s mine…"

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 6:34 am and is filed under personals. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.